We are going through it again. My husband's 5th layoff since 2008. And it sucks.
The first layoff, the phone never stopped ringing. Agencies couldn't get him to enough interviews. He was placed in a position within 2.5 months. We had a small severance to help us out. Still scary, but not such a horrible experience.
The 2nd layoff at the end of 2009 was not too bad, just a bit more painful. He was down for a little over 3 months but we used some of our savings and credit cards to get us by. Opportunities had thinned out quite a bit as we were in the throws of the recession.
The 3rd layoff was really starting to hurt. A small severance and, thank goodness for changes in the unemployment system, we were holding on, but barely. More savings depleted, and more credit card debt ensued.
In 2010, we had moved to Florida. We were certain of brighter pastures. We moved as a family so out daughter could go to college allowing us to keep our family together.
By the 4th layoff we were completely depleted. Our savings was gone, no 401K, and now deeply in debt. Unemployment regulations had changed. The small 2 week severance my husband had received was used to offset his unemployment. According to their calculations, we should have been able to survive off of $250 per month for 6 months before unemployment would begin. Things had definitely changed. The country was at the peak of the worst part of the "recession".
I wasn't working at this time. We were on food stamps and had applied for public assistance. We had to go to the food bank just in order to help ends meet. We were bankrupt. It is hard to put into words the utter shame and embarrassment you feel when you have no choice but to rely on whatever means are available to get by. We fought with everything we had to save our house and to make it our of that nightmare. We sold whatever we could sell. We cashed in every scrap of gold or silver we could dig from the bottom of the jewelry box. We cashed in the coins we had inherited from our parents that had been handed down through the generations. An object of last resort we had only intended to use to help with the college years for our children or for our retirement. Bi-weekly yard sales gave us money to supplement what we couldn't cover through food stamps. By the time my husband began working again, we were down to our last $20. Literally. I will never forget the day he got that first paycheck. I had no idea what we were going to do next. There had been some mix-ups with the company that hired him and we had not concrete assurances that paycheck was going to be issued when they had promised. All of it sounding a bit shady. When I checked the bank account, and the money was there, I flung open the door to my bedroom that goes to the outside. I will never forget the smell of blooming jasmine that flooded my senses between the shaking sobs. Jasmine and tears.
My husband was out of work from that 4th layoff for 5 months and had to take a job back in Pennsylvania living apart from us for 15 months. We struggled constantly trying to afford to "pay" to have him work so far away from home. Visits home were only every 3 months or so, accomplished through the grace of a neighbor who is a pilot and had some air travel passes. My husband nearly missed our daughter's college graduation because we didn't even have the money to get him home. My brother had provided us with airfare through his frequent flyer points. He arrived home less than 30 minutes before we were supposed to be at graduation, but we were elated.
My husband had finally found a good position back in Florida in early 2013. I remember literally falling to my knees when he walked through the door 10 hours ahead of schedule. He had driven through the night to make it home to us. I wept uncontrollably as the weight of the prior 15 months began to unravel from my heart.
This job looked so promising. An original contract for a 6 month gig turned into a year with sincere promises he would be brought on full time.
Things were starting to go well again. I began working after being out of the job force for 14 years. I started that job with only one dress suitable for business attire. My wardrobe was supplemented by purchases from eBay where I would only allow myself to spend no more than $10-15 for used clothing and shoes.
Since we were both working, I made an effort to save money for our boys for college and some money for a rainy day. It wasn't much, but it was a start. We began contributing to our 401Ks again. I was determined what happened before would never happen to us again. After a few months, I was able to let go of the survivor's guilt of still seeing so many people suffering. Who was I to have gotten out of that nightmare with our home still intact? I allowed myself to enjoy small indulgences. Nothing too grand. Just a monthly mani-pedi, a monthly night out with our boys at a moderately priced restaurant, dinner with friends. We weren't exactly "Living the Dream" but it felt wonderful and the constant companion of my fight or flight response was beginning to diminish.
Then, after so many promises, my husband was dropped as part of the last round of lay offs. The managers felt so badly for him. They were sure there was a position available to bring him on full time. When I got the news, again, I fell to my knees. This time, past experience came flooding back. The nightmare was happening again.
Please don't misunderstand. We are so grateful that I'm working. We are so grateful for the kind souls who came to buy things at our latest round of yard sales. We are very grateful we still have some possessions left to sell. Had it not been for selling anything that wasn't nailed down, yet again, we wouldn't have been able to afford getting our air compressor fixed when our air conditioner so inconveniently decided to die. A wonderfully kind neighbor provided us with a window air conditioner to help us sleep. Blessings again. Ironically, we had just sold our portable air conditioner during one of our yard sales so we could get my husband's brakes fixed. We are listing his truck for sale in order to pay the mortgage.
Life is feeling like a cruel joke. Did we have to get kicked while we were down? Brakes failing, air conditioner broken, no job, and not enough money to cover the mortgage. Was life sending us a message we have to give up everything? When would the beast be satisfied?
We are on the precipice of my husband being out of work for 6 months. He is taking a position in Miami where we will once again have to "pay" for him to work. He won't even get his first paycheck until early December - 7 months down. Rents in the area cost about $1800 a month for a single bedroom apartment or extended stay hotel. His living expenses, plus trying to catch up on the mortgage? The math doesn't work. We will still be struggling.
Looking from the outside in, I hear musings from the well intentioned: "Why aren't you grateful?", "Why aren't you happy he's working again?" Or, admonitions: "You aren't poor!", "You should be glad he has a job!", "You really need to start thinking positively or you will attract more negative outcomes.".
Do we need to be beaten up further still? It chafes at my heart that somehow I'm not allowed to feel what I'm feeling haven been through this experience before. I'm not just speculating how hard it's going to be, I know it from a very recent painful past experience. People have somehow gotten the idea that it is OK to judge the degree of someone's personal devastation. We are experiencing our own version of the Great Depression. Yes, we are far better off than our predecessors. Am I not allowed to grieve for all that will be lost? We had created a good life, a life where I had envisioned lovely dinner parties with friends an family that never has come to fruition. As ordinary as our reality truly is, it is still a life where we should have the permission to grieve the loss of everything we've worked hard to build. We will not be homeless, but we are so close.
Our circumstance is going to require that we relinquish everything. And I mean everything so that we can move into a more secure future for us and our children. We are so beaten down by the battle, there is nothing that can remotely hold any sentimental value. We are forced to view our belongings as mere acquisitions to be exchanged for cash. We have been worn away by time and circumstance into complete detachment from any semblance of a life we had once cherished.
I sit on my lanai, recognizing how truly fortunate I am to have a roof still over my head and preparing my heart to let go of what once was. It causes me to wonder if I will ever have dreams again that I might actually believe could come true. It is hard to admit to that sad part of my current truth. I am not confident as yet that life will begin to play fair.
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