When I was still in the editing mode for this post, this quote from Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God appeared in my Facebook feed. I had to reconsider the ultimate conclusion:
"Give everyone whose life you touch feel worthy. Give everyone a sense of their own worthiness as a person, a sense of the true wonder of who they are. Give this gift and you will heal the world."
In the year 2002, a year after 9/11, I saw an interview of Maria Schriver on Oprah. In it she said that 9/11 made her come to an important realization; many of us go through our lives never telling friends, family, co-workers or neighbors what it is that makes us love and appreciate them. She said the preciousness of life became so clear that she would no longer allow a day to go by where she didn't express her love and appreciation to everyone who held a special place in her heart. Maria didn't want to live with the regret that she did not tell those whom she loved, just what made them special. That impressed me greatly. Indeed, I would adopt that ideology and practice it wherever I went.
After practicing that ideology in my every day life, I intentionally set out to thank someone who had positively touched my life irrevocably throughout my childhood whom I hadn't spoken with in more than 30 years. I had a very difficult childhood that was dysfunctional and chaotic. Had it not been for my best friend's mother, I don't know that I would be the woman or the mother I am today. This angel of a human being, after having six children of her own to raise, welcomed me as if I were part of the family. She showed me the best example of what it meant to be a loving, caring and fiercely protective mother. In 2002, I wrote her a long letter telling her all the reasons I believed her to be an angel, placed there by God to shelter me from the dysfunction of my own family. I poured out my heart with eloquence and near poetry of how she really had saved my life. I expressed all the love I had for her so that she could live the rest of her life knowing that she had altered the course of my life in a very positive way just by being the person that she was.
I never heard anything back. Years had passed and I never heard from her. All sorts of things went through my mind. Was she sick or injured or incapacitated? Did she dislike me? Had I offended her in some way that I wasn't aware? I had given her my return address on the envelope and I had been frequently in touch with another neighbor who would have been able to reach me if she felt like acknowledging the letter. I wondered if all the love I had poured into that letter was simply insignificant because she didn't hold me in equal regard.
Ever since I adopted the practice of never allowing any love to go unexpressed, this type of rejection actually happens to me often which is contrary to what you might think would happen. I have intentionally observed, acknowledged and expressed many of the wonderful things I adore about those I care for deeply. I can find something good in every person I meet. As your friend, relative, co-worker, acquaintance or neighbor, I will compliment you on your outgoing personality, or what a great job you did on a presentation, or how bubbly and charming your personality might be. I will express gratitude when you return my calls or emails quickly. I will compliment you on how smart, or caring, or loving, or hard-working, or thrifty, or accomplished, or knowledgeable you are. These are acknowledgements of substance. I always give compliments that observe what makes someone special, not what they are wearing or how they look. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your arse or expecting you to return the favor; I do these things as a means to uplift and give someone a pat on the back for being the best person they can be. I will cheer you on, cheer you up, send words of encouragement and I will "like" your Facebook posts I want you to know that you are valued and you are not alone. If we're in a social setting and I see that no one is talking to you, I will be the one to bring you into the conversation.
I recently wrote another "It's a Wonderful LIfe" type letter to some people I love so dearly. Again, I wrote from the heart. I explained in detail how they meant more to me than they could ever imagine. I spelled out the impact they had on my life and by knowing them, I would forever be changed in a positive way. I quite literally bared my soul. Knowing these folks for who they are, I was so surprised at the response. Again, I was left wondering if the regard I held for them was far greater than that in return. This really hurt and felt like a rejection.
Because this is a repeating theme, I have been forced to wonder if I have been a bit of an overachiever in practicing Maria Schriver's lesson. Could there be such a thing as expressing too much gratitude or being too gracious a friend? When I care for someone, I care deeply. Only the poetry of Rumi tends to reflect the depth of feeling I have in my heart. Perhaps I'm a bit of a romantic in that sense. My heart is that of an artist and most artists create unconditional beauty in the world. Expressing love or appreciation has become a part of who I am and I don't even know if I could edit my thinking enough to pull back the reigns. Reading the quote from Neale Donald Walsch has made me realize that all acts of unconditional love, gratitude and graciousness matter.
I've had to wonder if it is a symptom of the western way of thinking that we are far too patrician in having a reserve on our emotions. I would hope that it isn't because we are so jaded by the world that unsolicited compliments are viewed as insincere. Or, is our own sense of self-worth so depleted that it makes us uncomfortable to receive such unconditional love and consideration? In my definition of who I am, even if it goes unacknowledged or returned in kind, I choose to spread positive and loving appreciation. Someday, I want to be just like the Happy Man in Jamaica. Enjoy the video: http://vimeo.com/36673515
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