When You Know Better, You Do Better...But Do You Tell?

Have you ever had one of those situations where you are really perplexed whether or not you should tell the truth? I think everyone has those times when you want to tell someone the truth and wonder if it is the best course of action. Especially when there is no real payoff or if the consequences of telling the truth can alter a relationship inexorably.

One of the absolute best discussions, and greatest insights into the price you pay both physically and spiritually, for not telling the truth was shown in the October 13, 2011 episode of Oprah's Lifeclass where her guest speaker was Martha Beck. The discussion was titled: The Truth Will Set You Free. I've provided the link below if you would like to watch the show; well worth your time.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Oprahs-Lifeclass-Complete-Webcast-with-Martha-Beck-Video

In that Lifeclass, Martha Beck describes a near death experience she had while under anesthesia for an operation. The after effects of which opened her awareness to the toll it takes on your happiness and well-being to withhold the truth. The enormous love and bliss she felt during her near death experience impacted her so deeply that when she "came back", she wanted to do everything possible to live her life recreating that feeling. She quickly realized whenever she wasn't completely honest, whenever she told even the smallest white lie, it totally depleted the blissful feeling she had carried with her from the experience. She made a pledge. "For a whole year, I'm not going to tell a single lie of any kind." Martha said. As you might imagine, her whole world changed. She lost a great number of people who she thought were friends, her family disassociated themselves from her, she quit her job and totally quit her profession. A total, blissfully life-shattering transformational overhaul of her entire life ensued. Martha illustrated during the show just how your body hates telling a lie by doing kinesiology test on Oprah and asking her questions about a recent statement she had made about hating exercise. She was able to prove that Oprah did not really feel that way about all forms of exercise, just the ones she was doing. Martha also spoke about the physical effects that take place in the brain and in our body chemistry when we try to tell a lie, or withhold the truth. All of which, made me think about what kind of bad body chemistry have I been brewing and what types of ill-formed neural pathways am I creating when I try to tell any type of lie. I began making it a point to begin being more truthful. As Maya Angelou puts it: "Once we know better, we do better." A wonderfully insightful statement, but the bigger question is: When we know better, we do better...but do we tell?

Once I started to examine my own life though the lens of Martha's near-death experience, I also started to notice the discomfort and the physical sensations in my body when I wasn't being completely truthful. Now please bear in mind, I went through eight years of Catholic School, I'm not so good at telling lies, even little white ones. So, this discussion is more about self-editing, inauthenticity, withholding and the telling of little white lies. To me, these types of non-truths are what most people practice in their daily lives without a second thought. Withholding or telling a little white lie is supposed to be one of the social graces. But is it really? And then there's the whoppers. The really, really big lies that hide our true identity or preferences, or past actions. We'll leave a discussion around the really big lies for another post. As Martha says: "Your soul will tell you when it's time to tell a bigger truth and take the jump." For now, let's begin with changing the baby steps. Once done, we build up much more courage to handle the bigger stuff.

I began a similar path of more authentic truth telling because I am horrible at telling lies. I stutter and stammer and exude falseness. I am much more in touch with all kinds of physical sensations that bubble up when I am inauthentic. It is indeed becoming a much greater strain to withhold the truth, or to censor what I need to say to some one. Distressfully at times, it has led to verbal diarrhea when sharing the truth with my loved ones; it can be much more honesty than they can handle. God Bless my husband because he endures the deepest darkest truths of my soul and holds them in his tender care with chivalry and honor. I have indeed lost some friendships by telling the truth. I have discontinued relationships intentionally because I could no longer bear to feign affection. I've even had to distance myself from some family members. And I most certainly will subconsciously or consciously self-sabotage my way out of doing work that I hate - especially cleaning out my garage.

What was illustrated so brilliantly by Martha Beck's experience is that when we are inauthentic, when we withhold the truth, or when we are not fully expressing who we are, we aren't really having a relationship with anyone because no one is being shown the truest version of ourselves. We are presenting in those situations a false identity, the counterfeit character we've created of who we really are. My determination to be more authentic is what started my blog. I was feeling very hurt, confused and angry at some of the inauthenticity I was viewing from the people who claim to be the Lightworker set. I simply couldn't handle drinking the KoolAid and pretending that life was all love, light, rainbows and unicorns. Sounds more like that maxi-pad commercial than reality. I don't think there is any shame or dishonor in openly admitting that we may not have all the answers and may not always be following the guru laden path.

What struck me so strongly when watching the Lifeclass was what viewers were posting on the Facebook and Twitter feeds: that most people are pretending to be happy. Isn't that sad? Most people are just putting on a false face so that no one knows just how unhappy, hurt, struggling, frustrated, bereft, and bankrupt they truly are. When my husband was laid off due to the economy for the third time since 2008, holding it all in became unbearable. I wanted to scream and stomp my feet and fully express just how rotten the deck had been dealt. What a revelation it was to witness the reactions from friends true and not when I opened the raincoat and flashed even the smallest vulnerability. Our authentic and honest discomfort makes others withdraw because the realness and rawness of it scares them to death. Some people will jump in with both feet and shoulder some of that pain along with you and make beautiful efforts on your behalf to help you through. However, as lay-offs have the tendency to go on and on nowadays, never allow the pain to be protracted for too long because only very few can handle the burden; at that point it's better to pay someone to dry your tears. Given our financial circumstances, I've had no where to go with these continued emotions, therapy is simply unaffordable. So I've taken fingers to keyboard and let it all spill out ugly and raw and diseased as it is. The result is that I feel relieved. I have no idea if anyone reads what I write or even cares. But it's out now. I'm no longer swallowing down the vomit of inauthenticity and trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. It is absolutely liberating! It's my very own personal version of bra burning for the psyche. Not fully engaging in who I am creates a choice to be less than who I am and if that threatens anyone or makes them uncomfortable, "c'est la vie". Which reminds me of a quote by Ghandi: "Many people, especially ignorant people want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologize for being correct or for being years ahead of your time. If you're right, and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth."

So that leads to a discussion about how to tell the truth to someone else. It is quite simple, you do it with as much love and integrity as possible. There are quotes that say "It's better to be kind than to be right." Why is it assumed these ideologies are mutually exclusive? Or, that being "right" is an affront to the essence of truth? And once you share that truth with another, you cannot control anything beyond that; you have to give it away and hope that the wisdom of it will seep into some small crack and allow for that person's self-realization to develop into awareness and then eventually admitting the truth to themselves. That's the thing about truth, it will follow you everywhere and it will catch up with you no matter how fast you try to run away or how defiantly you try to turn away from truth's reflection. It will be hard to live out the ramifications of telling the truth, but ultimately, the reaction of the recipient is their responsibility. You can only do your part in trying to bring the dark to light and to be of service.

The Walk

I went for a walk this morning. Along my route I passed a shaded glade. The scent carried me away to a time when I was young. When there was nothing but play:

To the glory of this moment I am in memory found. Becoming light and shade and the air of dew and leaves, the damp deep Earth. Time travels, the wispy mist of youth, of flying against the wind. Becoming those moments of never ending joy. The perfumed love of God.

Please Excuse My Language!!!!

I periodically go back and re-read my posts so that I can tweak things that aren't expressed clearly or need some other alteration. My posts are reflecting a lot of my distractions. Frequent interruptions and lightning fingers make poor editors. Please excuse my typos, misspellings and sometimes non-sensical or poor grammar. This is not my normal way of doing things. I am much more of a perfectionist.

However, re-reading my posts I can see where I was interrupted by daily life. In verbal form, it is a path reflecting many twists and turns as daily life will throw you. Inevitably, I am interrupted far too frequently to ensure 100% Catholic School approved writing prose. For that, mea culpa! Please forgive the obvious reflection of a scattered thought here and there that goes unfinished or unpolished. I will try to do better before I hit "publish".

Relief, Unraveling then Reality

After 5 months of absolutely no income other than proceeds from selling our personal belongings or borrowing from our daughter, my husband finally got a paycheck! He has been working about 1000 miles North of us since mid February. This paycheck came just in the nick of time. We were down to our very last $20, overdrawn at the bank account, ebay Sales were abysmal and we have no friends or family that could have stepped in to help us. Everyone is struggling. Or so most people want to believe. And yet, most folks will happily post on their Facebeook page all the latest parties, movies, celebrations, exercise classes or purchases they just made; life for them is still moving joyously even though they claim otherwise. Viewing these images is like the twist of a knife in my gut because we simply can't rejoice like that just yet. We're not there yet. We are really not there yet.

The absolute relief and joy I felt when the money actually showed up in our bank account was like unraveling 6 months of binding wrapped around my heart. Here's a little background on just what a relief it was. The company my husband signed with has not exactly behaved respectably. They gave him a contract to sign that stated his first paycheck would not arrive until March 30th even though he would start working February 13th. He left to drive up north on February 9, giving himself enough time to get there safely and make arrangements for train tickets that would take him from where he is staying to his building in Philadelphia. Where he is staying is the furthest stop south on the SEPTA line. THEN, they told him there was a "paperwork glitch" and he wouldn't start work until February 15th. As "glitches" go, this one was so oddly persistent. My husband actually didn't start working until February 20th! We were supporting all of his living expenses for over a week before the first day of work even happened. THEN, when my husband submitted two separate worksheets documenting his billable hours, this company once again claimed a "paperwork glitch". "Oh, we didn't receive those emails." They claimed. (Even after my husband verified verbally that the email address he used was correct.) I was scared out of my mind believing they were trying to pull a fast one and not pay him until the end of March which is what they originally had tried to get him to agree to based on the wording of his contract. However, since my husband followed up with them personally, and they had a contract stating his first paycheck would be March 9th, they actually stepped up and did the right thing. To say that it was a relief was an understatement.

I didn't sleep the night before his paycheck was to arrive. I kept checking our bank balance via the internet every few hours during the night. Once the proof appeared that he had actually gotten paid - I felt like I was hyperventilating! I flung open my Master Bedroom door and took repeated long breaths inhaling the scent of Jasmine that was like breathing the exhalations of angels. The bands of bondage around my heart and chest kept popping with each draw of air deeply into my lungs and abdomen. The feeling of relief was profound, it was like I had started to remember how to breathe after holding my breath for so long. But, as lovely dreams are just dreams, the alarm went off and I had to begin my day.

I had to get up and attend to my boys to get them off to school, come back home and strategize what could get paid and what could not. Then it sinks in again. The sadness that won't be shaken - the bitter swallow of the tonic of my current reality. I know things are getting better, but why is it never quick enough? Why can't the sheer rejoicing of a positive change for the better rest peacefully in my heart, keeping me in a delirious state and allowing me to float along the feelings of uplifting joy? I wanted to bathe in the happiness of relief, but too many pressing issues lap at my feet like hungry babies begging my attention.

I have stated before that I am no Spiritual master. I fall down...frequently. Yet here again is a situation which observers would call ingratitude. I can read between the lines when they post platitudes that basically tow the company line: "remember, there is always enough", "you are always cared for". On some level it feels like an "I told you so" simply because my husband finally got a paycheck after 6 months! And here I am again, trying to be more of a master and wondering why I should still have worries. So I hit the books and pick a lesson. The lessons help by re-reading and immersing myself in them, but they don't solve anything that still remains as a struggle. I would much rather play in the petticoats of Scarlett O'Hara and worry about my reality another day; fail to pay any bills because I simply don't want reality to seep into this one small delicious, delusional moment. I want to dream and see the future as lovely. How in the world do I maintain the bliss of relief while attending to the demands of 3D?

My tears are threatening me, trying to seep out without my permission, these buggars have a will of their own. It's the gravity of just how far under we continue to be. Two mortgage payments behind and now we are behind on all of our utility bills, we owe our daughter money from her childhood college savings. What bills we will end up paying only keeps the light on and the water running momentarily until the next bill shows up in a fight to the finish of who wins: either one overdue mortgage payment or running water.

I'm so ready to live again - to completely and totally THRIVE. To be one of the people who posts on Facebook all the happy photos of the fun things I'm doing with my family. Instead, I forge ahead once again cleaning out our garage trying to find more things to sell so we can get rid of the financial bleeding of our separate storage facility. I'm exhausted. I want more help than from just by daughter who is an unbelievable angel. I keep wishing for friends that would reach out to me to lend a helping hand that isn't just a kind offer. I don't want to be alone anymore, feeling as if no on really cares. Why isn't anyone there? Are people so unaware of another person's suffering? Is anyone paying attention? This is the tug of war with reality that threatens to steal every ounce of joy I might celebrate.

I think others are afraid of engaging with me simply because of what I symbolize - that their reality could change at any moment. It makes them uncomfortable to be around someone who can't pay the bills, whose lawn is overgrowing with weeds, who feels so sad to be around. Why is it that people run away from this when, if the tables were turned, they wouldn't want to be alone either? Reality bites and bites hard.

Real Housewives of the New Age

I have been greatly perplexed lately at what I am observing within many of the websites, NING groups, message boards, etc. of the New Age/Lightworker/Eco-Conscious groups. There seems to be escalating dissension, dissatisfaction and in-fighting between members. This inner revolt recently came into glaring light with the dissolution of a website to which I paid a lifetime membership fee. Within two weeks, the site dissolved for multiple reasons. Unbelievable drama followed with mass email distributions to the members stating what was going on and why certain actions were taken to shut down the message boards, remove certain members as well as accusations of hacking and all sorts of upheaval. Bad behavior ensued from some of the frustrated members who were removed with language that would horrify the most hardened of truck drivers.

I am observing increasingly that there is almost a sense of desperation surfacing. People who have chosen a more personal, non-denominational, non-dogmatic approach to spirituality are actually beginning to appear a bit frightened. Yup, here I go again, I'm going to piss people off, but I think some Lightworkers are beginning to wonder if we have gotten something wrong. None of them would ever admit to this of course. To admit to self-doubt is to admit to fear (one of the only two emotions). It is like admitting to believing that no one has personal responsibility for their own lives and everything is just occurring randomly as happenstance of fate...total Lightworker treason! However, what else would explain why anyone within the Lightworker community would feel it is necessary to attack another person's beliefs, especially if they are riding the same spiritual rainbow? Why am I seeing all this clamoring for who has gotten it right? Who is bringing the most light? Which "channel" is the most pure? Whose model of consciousness and the invisible structure of the dimensions is correct?

It is becoming more apparent that people who claim to be of the light are not exactly acting that way. There appears to be a lot of clawing to the top to be the latest, greatest and most pure of light energies. However, in reality, there is just as much intolerance, criticism, elitism and self-righteousness within the Lightworker community as there is in any other. Similarly, there are equal amounts of brotherly love, charity, activism and support as you would see within any other religious group or affiliation, which few Lightworkers would want to admit. This has caused me to wonder why there are so many things happening within the Lightworker community that stand in direct opposition to what we all stand for. Didn't we embrace this path because we felt it was a higher calling, a better way to be in the world, a more accepting, fulfilling and altruistic means of spiritual expression? Somehow, our dear community is starting to devolve into a bizarre episode of Real Housewives or the Jersey Shore with back-biting, in-fighting, name calling and internet based bullying amongst various "camps".

This not only affects the big ideas, but the way in which we publicly represent the "self" within the framework of the Lightworker's belief set. I see so many Lightworkers trying so hard to never show vulnerability or admit that they didn't control, orchestrate and manifest every single vibrating molecule and emotion within their lives. I see over and over again people quoting themselves and staking claims that they have somehow acquired mastery over every aspect of their existence. Why is there so much fear in admitting we're not perfect, we're not always deliriously happy and that indeed discomforts don't roll off of us like water off a duck's ass? I see Lightworkers in group settings editing themselves and what they say so they never appear as if they don't "get it". Isn't this equally buying into a form of self-created delusion? The delusion being that we are indeed vulnerable and still subject to getting pissed off when someone plucks your last nerve, or that we actually do have "problems" in our lives and it isn't all rosy and cheeky and squishy with happiness. If I see one more person on the "path" make a broad stroke declaration of their mastery, when I know that they are equally struggling with remaining happy all the time (yes, it is an effort sometimes), I'm going to hurl hypocrisy filled puke all over their affirmations! Or, better yet, I'm gonna go all Jersey Shore on them!

Can't we all just admit it? We still have questions. We still wonder if there is something we're missing. We still want everyone to agree with our own opinions. We still want people to like us, and it does matter what others think and say because words can still hurt! We are still so very vested in this illusion that we have to make sweeping declarations of mastery to cover over our terror that people may actually view us as the same as anyone else - flawed, imperfect, struggling, challenged, frustrated, uninformed, wrong. We don't want to admit these things though, because the light-filled path was supposed to be the ultimate direct connection with God that would allow us to live in a state of bliss while still tethered to the physical plane. And if this doesn't work, where do we go from here? Where will we find the ultimate "right" answer?

Perhaps the first step in resolving these conflicts is to opening and honestly admit that we might just be wrong.

Is Suffering Really Necessary?

I think suffering has gotten a bad rap. Allow me to send out a warning once again. My blog posts might piss some people off by stating what I've observed and by stating my personal viewpoint. If you're brave enough, and can operate in a suspension of judgment, continue reading.

Please don't get me wrong, I do not wish suffering upon anyone. Suffering is a mirror of your experience and a reflection of conditions that feel way beyond your control. It can make your days feel intolerable and never ending. And yes, if you look to control the mind through your thoughts, there is no real need to suffer because it can be a choice. But would we say that to a mother who just lost her child? Would we chastise those who suffer as they go without food, clothing, shelter or safety? Would we tell someone who has seen the devastation of war that it is all in their head and to simply adopt another viewpoint? If you have compassion, I would hope not. I would hope that no Lightworker would be so cavalier as to suggest that the person who is suffering simply shouldn't because it is a choice.

I'd also like to meet any Lightworker who proclaims they have mastered suffering and have "simply chosen to suffer no more". I would make a bet this is a person who only experiences first world problems and has never really been given the opportunity to experience true suffering. Notice I say "opportunity". I have also observed frequently how many Lighworkers are either in denial and simply won't admit that they still suffer from time to time; always putting on the love, light, rainbows and unicorns face, especially when amongst other Lightworkers. To admit that you might still suffer would be admitting that you are not the Master you view yourself to be. I've been in many group discussions where I would openly admit that I experience suffering only to have an entire gang of Ligthworkers school me on why suffering is bad, unnecessary and wrong. Hey! At least I'm honest about it - I've never claimed to be a Master. We need to remind ourselves that to deny the darkness is equally to deny the light. One cannot exist without the other. Too many New Age Gurus espouse the end of suffering is simple and easy and can be done through "10 Easy Steps to End Suffering for $59.95!". I don't choose to view it that easily and, quite frankly, I feel that to over simplify the process of ending suffering with affirmations, a shift in perspective or that you can "think it away" is a little insulting.

Now let's get to the crux of the argument that suffering has gotten a bad rap. Suffering can be a very important and valuable tool, a catalyst for change. Suffering can cause an individual, a community, a society or humanity itself to make another choice with enormous conviction that moves mountains. Many times, suffering is the necessary impetus to cause an awakening, a higher calling, create a movement, reveal a greater truth or open someone to a solution that was previously unseen. While in the depths of suffering, it forces you to seek solutions more quickly and strengthens your resolve. We can forgive and bless ourselves for shaking our fist to the heavens proclaiming "Never again!" Greatness can be delivered through suffering. Moses delivered the Israelites in response to suffering, Ghandi freed his people in response to suffering, the Civil Rights Movement caused us to know the greatness of Martin Luther King who created greater freedoms out of the impetus of suffering.

We must equally allow that suffering is a process. If we stuff down our feelings and refuse to allow suffering to take it's course, it is equally harmful to the soul as the negative emotion itself. I am well aware of all the studies that say how negative emotions affect our health. However, if we are in denial, or trying so hard to be a good little New Age soldier and fail to acknowledge our suffering, denial is also a negative emotion. The best we can do is to suffer with grace, humility and purpose.

There is a quote from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch that sums up beautifully:

"Therefore, be a light unto the darkness and curse it not. And forget not Who You Are in the moment of your encirclement by that which you are not. But do you praise to the creation, even as you seek to change it."

Is There Ever Such a Thing as Being Too Gracious or Expressing Too Much Gratitude?

When I was still in the editing mode for this post, this quote from Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God appeared in my Facebook feed. I had to reconsider the ultimate conclusion:

"Give everyone whose life you touch feel worthy. Give everyone a sense of their own worthiness as a person, a sense of the true wonder of who they are. Give this gift and you will heal the world."

In the year 2002, a year after 9/11, I saw an interview of Maria Schriver on Oprah. In it she said that 9/11 made her come to an important realization; many of us go through our lives never telling friends, family, co-workers or neighbors what it is that makes us love and appreciate them. She said the preciousness of life became so clear that she would no longer allow a day to go by where she didn't express her love and appreciation to everyone who held a special place in her heart. Maria didn't want to live with the regret that she did not tell those whom she loved, just what made them special. That impressed me greatly. Indeed, I would adopt that ideology and practice it wherever I went.

After practicing that ideology in my every day life, I intentionally set out to thank someone who had positively touched my life irrevocably throughout my childhood whom I hadn't spoken with in more than 30 years. I had a very difficult childhood that was dysfunctional and chaotic. Had it not been for my best friend's mother, I don't know that I would be the woman or the mother I am today. This angel of a human being, after having six children of her own to raise, welcomed me as if I were part of the family. She showed me the best example of what it meant to be a loving, caring and fiercely protective mother. In 2002, I wrote her a long letter telling her all the reasons I believed her to be an angel, placed there by God to shelter me from the dysfunction of my own family. I poured out my heart with eloquence and near poetry of how she really had saved my life. I expressed all the love I had for her so that she could live the rest of her life knowing that she had altered the course of my life in a very positive way just by being the person that she was.

I never heard anything back. Years had passed and I never heard from her. All sorts of things went through my mind. Was she sick or injured or incapacitated? Did she dislike me? Had I offended her in some way that I wasn't aware? I had given her my return address on the envelope and I had been frequently in touch with another neighbor who would have been able to reach me if she felt like acknowledging the letter. I wondered if all the love I had poured into that letter was simply insignificant because she didn't hold me in equal regard.

Ever since I adopted the practice of never allowing any love to go unexpressed, this type of rejection actually happens to me often which is contrary to what you might think would happen. I have intentionally observed, acknowledged and expressed many of the wonderful things I adore about those I care for deeply. I can find something good in every person I meet. As your friend, relative, co-worker, acquaintance or neighbor, I will compliment you on your outgoing personality, or what a great job you did on a presentation, or how bubbly and charming your personality might be. I will express gratitude when you return my calls or emails quickly. I will compliment you on how smart, or caring, or loving, or hard-working, or thrifty, or accomplished, or knowledgeable you are. These are acknowledgements of substance. I always give compliments that observe what makes someone special, not what they are wearing or how they look. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your arse or expecting you to return the favor; I do these things as a means to uplift and give someone a pat on the back for being the best person they can be. I will cheer you on, cheer you up, send words of encouragement and I will "like" your Facebook posts I want you to know that you are valued and you are not alone. If we're in a social setting and I see that no one is talking to you, I will be the one to bring you into the conversation.

I recently wrote another "It's a Wonderful LIfe" type letter to some people I love so dearly. Again, I wrote from the heart. I explained in detail how they meant more to me than they could ever imagine. I spelled out the impact they had on my life and by knowing them, I would forever be changed in a positive way. I quite literally bared my soul. Knowing these folks for who they are, I was so surprised at the response. Again, I was left wondering if the regard I held for them was far greater than that in return. This really hurt and felt like a rejection.

Because this is a repeating theme, I have been forced to wonder if I have been a bit of an overachiever in practicing Maria Schriver's lesson. Could there be such a thing as expressing too much gratitude or being too gracious a friend? When I care for someone, I care deeply. Only the poetry of Rumi tends to reflect the depth of feeling I have in my heart. Perhaps I'm a bit of a romantic in that sense. My heart is that of an artist and most artists create unconditional beauty in the world. Expressing love or appreciation has become a part of who I am and I don't even know if I could edit my thinking enough to pull back the reigns. Reading the quote from Neale Donald Walsch has made me realize that all acts of unconditional love, gratitude and graciousness matter.

I've had to wonder if it is a symptom of the western way of thinking that we are far too patrician in having a reserve on our emotions. I would hope that it isn't because we are so jaded by the world that unsolicited compliments are viewed as insincere. Or, is our own sense of self-worth so depleted that it makes us uncomfortable to receive such unconditional love and consideration? In my definition of who I am, even if it goes unacknowledged or returned in kind, I choose to spread positive and loving appreciation. Someday, I want to be just like the Happy Man in Jamaica. Enjoy the video: http://vimeo.com/36673515

Earning Your Stripes as a Master

I think I've just recently uncovered a little known secret. This isn't "The Secret" secret. But, it's a secret that isn't often emphasized enough when we Lightworker types are going through difficult times.

You, my fellow war torn, beaten down and life-weary Lightworkers are heroes! Yup, you are heroes! Those of you who have experienced continual trials, heartache, pain and devastation. You, my dear friends are the true Masters according to a recent quote from Neale Donald Walsch in his latest online seminar How to End the Struggle: ‎

"The higher level of mastery you have called forth to experience in your life, the greater the number of opposite conditions appear in the contextual field so that you may know yourself to be Who You Really Are." NDW

Blow on your fingernails and polish them on your shoulder; be proud of your bravery! You,lovely soul, were not among the faint of heart. You were selected from among the few and the brave to experience every possible oppositional experience that could get thrown in your path. You are a Life Sensei!

Think about the unbelievable strength it took for you to agree to take on such enormous trials. You declared: "I want to know myself as the light." and you didn't add caveats or qualifiers or whimp out and take the easy path. You let the misery all rain down, ugly and difficult and unpleasant. And you agreed to take it on. The evolution of the Consciousness and the spiritual progress of the Universe is in your debt for the burden that you bear. Bless you all!

Layin' Down the Hammer

Just an afterthought from the previous post. If you do find yourself dear New Age wounded Lightworker in the throes of something devastating, don't allow anyone to tell you how you should or should not feel. Don't allow anyone to tell you that you should not judge your circumstances. Holding onto your feelings and trying to suppress them because you drank the New Age kool-aid and are trying so hard to be a good little comrade who doesn't suffer is bad for your health and well-being. And don't judge yourself for falling off the happy wagon. Daggone it, part of getting out of something is going through it to begin with. It doesn't mean you have to ignore what you're feeling, or condemn yourself for a little suffering.

Think of life's challenges like a big old hammer that has just whacked you on the thumb. It's gonna hurt like hell and you should be entitled to fuss and cuss and scream and holler like a fool. You are completely entitled to feel what you feel and to express your disappointment, grief and judgment against the current storm swirling around you. Get it out of your system and don't let anyone tell you that you are not entitled to have your due. And I'd like to lay down the hammer on any Lightworker who judges how you're handling things as less than enlightened. Or, tries to adopt you as their pet project so they can practice what they learned in Lightworker class 101 with their streams of happy sappy affirmations and guru sound-bytes.

Once you have vented all your frustrations (ergo my blog), you are indeed going to feel much better. You have exorcised the current possession of your circumstance. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that something awful exists rather than trying so hard to pretend that everything is fine and that you will make it through with love, light and laughter.

I'm so proud of you!

Who is the Better Creator?

I have been thinking recently of a dear friend of mine. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. Her disposition is always sunny and she is the very embodiment of grace in action. Her life has given her more than her fair share of challenges. Her mother had breast cancer early in her life and had to have a double mastectomy. Her first boyfriend was a total loser who strung her along for many, many years cheating on her, being manipulative and abusive. When she finally finds the love of her life, he has juvenile diabetes and shortly after their marriage began, he became totally disabled. He is no longer able to walk and is losing his eyesight. She had also discovered during the beginning of her marriage that she wasn't able to have children. Just two years ago, her brother committed suicide at their family home. She has had more than her fair share of suffering and devastation.

My friend has handled everything that has been thrown at her the best way she can. She is alarmingly pleasant each time you meet her. One of the ways she has chosen to deal with not being able to have children is to become a pre-school teacher so that she is always able to be surrounded by children. She was the pre-school and pre-K teacher for my twin boys for about 3 years. EVERYONE who meets her falls in love with her. She has a special and rare gift that I have witnessed in very few individuals, a beaming and beautiful example of grace under pressure.

I know all of us know someone who has been given more than their fair share of knocks. There are certain people who simply seem to have challenge after challenge and can never seem to catch a break. They've been given no advantage in life.

Conversely, there are those individuals who truly seem to float through life with never a care in the world. They ease through life with birds singing sweetly as they circle over their head. These aren't the people who portray a false front to the public and are a total mess behind closed doors. These are individuals who have nurturing and supportive parents that are there for them whenever they are in need. These are the individuals who have been given an ease of life where they've been given things at an early age that take others lifetimes to acquire. They seem to have a magnet for all the right opportunities and easily meet all the right "criteria" so that they are never in a position of having to overcome prejudices in order to make their way in this world. Perhaps love may elude them for some time, but then they magically find Princess or Prince Charming and the fairy tale continues throughout adulthood.

I've recently seen someone like this on television. She was a very young blogger who parlayed what she was doing into her own Martha-esque type television show. I am simply dumbfounded at how someone so young would be given such an opportunity. Perhaps she had connections, perhaps she didn't. There are truly individuals that seem to just stumble into opportunity without ever really having to try too hard. Carolyn Myss, the author of Energy Anatomy created a list of archetypes and this person is definitely someone who falls under the path of "flow". These individuals are here in this lifetime to experience "flow" where everything is pretty easy in life. "How lucky for them." She says sardonically.

So who is the better creator? If we believe that we create all that we experience, who really was a better creator? Arguably, any western New Age view of success would claim that the person with the easy life is much more adept at staying in the "flow" and creating what they want. Abraham-Hicks would argue that these individuals recognized their ability to stay in the flow and never lost that ability, thus becoming a master. I say "Not so fast...baloney" and "You're full of crap." I have repeatedly observed that those who are having an easier time of life are simply having an easier time in life. I don't attribute it to their mastery at following the rules of The Secret or any other manifestation workshop beliefs.

I recently saw a post by Dr. Wayne Dyer where he had this flowery affirmation about drawing more peace into his life. I know about his background and I know he was in an orphanage during his youth. However, given his current status and lifestyle, my thoughts go to: "When have you known something other than true peace? When have you lived in a war zone where bombs are hurtling past your home or you are in fear of being killed due to genocide?" What an absolutely pathetic first world way to look at things. Yes, I'm judging; I'm judging such banal thoughtless platitudes as vapid inspiration. Again, it is certain gurus who are always providing sappy sweet philosophy candy to the lemmings who will pass along such sweet sentiments never realizing that they had absolutely no fear of being otherwise to begin with. I don't respect someone like that.

If we are not supposed to judge what is happening as right or wrong, happy or sad, difficult or easy, then why is it that the word "bad" is only ever applied to the difficult things in life? Better yet, those of us who have difficulties become everyone's pet project and they want to use us to see if the latest platitude from a New Age guru will transform our lives. I'd like to start a George Constanza New Age philosophy approach adopting "Opposite Day" based on a Seinfeld episode where George claimed that he was having greater success in life by picking the opposite of what would be his natural inclinations. So let's break a paradigm here. I would like to choose to stop looking at those with an ease in life as being better. I would especially like to view those with having greater ease in life as the ones who are not such great creators. They are simply drifting along and not really getting any skin in the game of Life. If you want to know what life is really all about, have a good old fashion calamity. Those sweetly singing birds circling around their head should shower them with a little shit once in awhile, maybe then they would begin to really learn the lesson of creating moonbeams out of crap.

As in the case of my friend, I see her as the ultimate creator. Her whole life is about creating diamonds out of coal. She has forged through life with such admirable dignity; she has endeared herself to so many people who respect her for what she has gone through and she keeps on going. She has grit and courage and determination. All of these qualities I do indeed judge to be admirable in a human being. I believe that these are the true creators. They walk through each day of their lives making something better through the grit of sheer will. So AMEN to those of us who have problems and AMEN to those of us who can create greatness out of devastation and AMEN to those of us who show others how its done! Keep on creating lives worthy of authentic admiration! Forge on wounded Lightworker soldiers! I stand beside you acknowledging you for the glorious beings that you are!

When Life Causes You to Open Your Eyes - How an Untimely Lay-Off, Near Foreclosure and a Homeless Woman Opened My Eyes

Challenges, devastation, financial loss, natural disasters, death, destruction, heartache. Life will present knee-buckling challenges and it is hard to understand why it is happening to you, let alone accept that each occurrence is done with a divine lesson attached. We generally concur that a life challenge happens as a means to help us appreciate all that we have, or to obtain a greater reverence for the sanctity of life; a very beautiful lesson that most people will say is what they have learned through the experience of adversity. What if there is an even larger purpose that is small in scope but large in impact? What if the troubles of life are what God uses to help reveal a need that has gone unnoticed? God is using our experience as a means for us to discover how we may serve.

A paradigm shift has occurred through this very difficult time of my life. My eyes have been opened and a sense of sight has been given to me. It isn't as though I wasn't aware of or insensitive to the plight of those who are homeless. It isn't as if I never felt compassion nor tried to help wherever I can when I see someone in need. As of this moment, my family has dodged a bullet. My husband will be starting a new job this coming week and we will be spared what could have been inevitable foreclosure on our home with nowhere to go. We have reached the point, however, where we haven't paid our mortgage for February and may not be able to pay it for March. I am only sharing this because my circumstances have placed us in a position financially where we simply have had to apply for Public Assistance. I am truly grateful that such a thing exists. Although we have not qualified for certain services (long story), we were able to qualify for Food Stamps. It has been a God send.

There is a horrible challenge going on for people who are going through similar circumstances. Especially those that aren't as fortunate as I am. I have been able to persist through the application process and the myriad of requirements in order to secure some assistance. This has allowed me to reveal a need that is being ignored. We have been told lies about how easy it is for people to obtain public services. First of all, it took me the better part of an entire day to complete the online application which was redundant, complicated and frustrating. The whole Public Assistance process is so computer dependent now, you simply can't obtain services without owning a computer or having access to one. Even though there are centers where free computer access is available, you must have means of transportation to get there. How does that help those already on the street with no phone, no transportation, no family and no other means of transportation?

Through meeting a homeless woman on the street, I have also discovered that unless you have a verifiable mailing address, you cannot even apply for services. This woman told me she was living in her truck with her children. I was utterly appalled. Applying for Public Assistance has lead me to understand how challenging it is to find the centers that are throughout my state where you can have free access to a computer as well as utilize the center for a mailing address. I had to tab through six different levels of information on the website to find a physical location where I could find human beings that would provide Customer Service.

Even if you do have a phone, and can call to ask where to find a center, the phone lines are overwhelmed and will automatically disconnect you if there isn't a Customer Service agent immediately available. And, unless you have a computer, how are you going to find out where the centers are located? It's a Catch 22! It would certainly seem that the government is making it so onerous to apply for Public Assistance that they are hoping people will simply give up in frustration.

I have now seen a homeless couple and two other homeless gentlemen in my town who were all begging because they were reduced to do so by a system that makes it nearly impossible for them to secure assistance! I've heard the elite criticize and blame the poor for being poor. The poor are not at fault. WE are at fault for allowing this to happen! Please don't even get me started on how we have equally been lied to about the health of the economy and the false optimism generated by a spin on unemployment figures. All the people of whom I speak are those who are not being counted and are unacknowledged by the government. No one seems to care.

My mission isn't about being grand or establishing a foundation or visiting Congress to make a notoriety driven change in the world. This is about a small gesture that can still make an impact. It is about doing that which I can do, even if it may appear insignificant. I am planning on completing a list of services ON PAPER with centers and government contact information that I can keep in my car and hand out to those in need when I see them. It may seem like a little nothing, or may seem redundant, but I feel it is important that homeless people be given every advantage to attaining the help they need. Anyone can create a similar list if you're willing to invest some time and energy into creating one.

I wrote this post to simply show how adversity is a great teacher. Both lessons great and small are in the pain and we should be joyful to be given an experience with which to see an opportunity to make a change. I was given an opportunity to see where there is clearly a gap and a problem that I can help solve. All it takes is my time, some paper and a sincere effort. So little a price to help alter the course of a person's life. I have been given an enormous blessing and that is the blessing where I am able to serve.

How to Truly Know That We Are One - The Singular Beauty of Random Acts of Kindness

HAPPY RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS DAY 2012!!!!

"Oneness". It has almost become a buzzword for the New Age movement and not widely practiced by most of humanity. The esoteric experience of Oneness may have started back in the 1960's with the hippie movement which practiced communal living in peace and harmony. Oneness became a more tangible concept in the mid 1980's with the Harmonic Convergence. At that time, Jose Arguelles orchestrated (without the help of the Internet no less) a globally synchronized meditation for World Peace. A palpable "Oneness" experience for all those who participated. This implanted the esoteric expression of sensing and feeling that we are all one, but still making it difficult for most of humanity to adapt the knowing of being one.

Science has now proven the efficacy of the Oneness esoteric concept with advances in DNA research, quantum physics and the quantitative measurement of global consciousness. In DNA research it has been discovered that all human beings share DNA markers tracing back to Mitochondrial Eve, uniting us all with a single mother. In Quantum physics, it has been discovered that everything we see, feel, touch, taste is made up of 99% empty space, bringing into our realization that nothing in 3D actually exists that is different than that which we are all made of. The magnetic Consciousness Field that unites us all mentally and spiritually, has actually been measured through Global Consciousness studies conducted by Princeton University since the 1990's (http://noosphere.princeton.edu/). The project has proven that a measurable, global shift in random number generators happens whenever a major cataclysmic event occurs in any part of the world. The experience of the event locally, alters the pattern of random number generators globally. This study proves, without any doubt, that when one of us is in pain, all of us are in pain. However, we have not even begun to fully embrace the conceptual, and continue to ignore the scientific evidence of Oneness on a global basis. Even if you fully embrace Oneness conceptually, it can be easily forgotten when someone flips you the bird if they don't like the way you're driving on the highway.

The underlying cause of the experience of separation exists because our time is consumed with all the distractions of the 3D world. There are bills to pay, toilets to clean, jobs to be done. All of which keep us tethered to the 3D experience and distracted from our connection to one another. There is so much "stuff" to do, be, have, experience that we rarely look in the eyes of a passerby and really connect with them on a human level. If all these distractions and obligations did not exist, what else would there be but each of us, experiencing one another?

I was fortunate to be at an event where participants could meet and greet Deepak Chopra after purchasing his latest book. I remember as each person stepped up to the table where he was sitting, he engaged them in deep eye contact and undivided attention. It was almost unsettling. I'm sure he was creating the physical expression of the experience of Namaste. It just so happened when I approached the table, I was beginning to have a miscarriage. I remember reaching for my stomach when he looked at me and almost feeling transparent; I could swear he was penetrating my thoughts with love and compassion. One of the first real experiences of Oneness I have ever had.

Neale Donald Walsch, the author of Conversations with GOD was also at that conference. When he was speaking about Conversations with God to an audience of about 150 people, he truly and sincerely made eye contact with each and every person in the room. To this day, I say that he was the best public speaker I have ever seen. Both of these great masters created a feeling with their gaze that was penetrating; a real soul connection and a feeling that they recognized in you, the God within themselves.

I had a friend ask me recently "Do you believe in Oneness?" in response to my complaint about having some friction with a neighbor. "Uh...Yes" I said hesitantly. To which my friend responded: "Well, do you or don't you?" My friend was looking for a definitive answer which I couldn't provide. Even now, my answer would still depend. I believe the esoteric and scientific conditions exist to support the idea that we are all one, but I don't have the experience of Oneness as often as I would like; therefore, causing the knowledge of Oneness to be elusive. I know, another spiritual dichotomy (I said I was a spiritual enigma). I believe that so long as one of us does not recognize the concept of Oneness, then oneness cannot exist experientially. If even one of us is still playing the game of the illusion of separateness, then game on. And since the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, the game of separateness is still afoot the world over, readily apparent when reading or viewing any current news report.

So how does a single individual maintain the experience and knowing of Oneness when someone does you harm, or insults you, or simply doesn't acknowledge you exist? Spiritual people will often mentally shower an offender with love and light, trying to establish an unconscious connection. However, this will not create a permanent shift in that individual if they are so determinedly grounded in 3D. There are studies that have shown that good intentions can affect your fellow man; but if the perspective of separateness in the mind of the offender doesn't truly shift, how do you counteract the boomerang back into mutual separation keeping all of us forever apart?

I may not have a global solution, but would like to offer one that could make real changes if more and more people participated in the practice. I have truly felt a greater breakthrough in the experiential aspect of Oneness through doing Random Acts of Kindness. Coincidentally, this week: February 13-19, 2012 is Random Acts of Kindness Week. It is absolutely one of my most favorite times of year! I extend myself way beyond my comfort zone and engage in acts of kindness with perfect strangers everywhere I go. What is so beautiful about an act of kindness is that it doesn't care what religion you are, what color your skin, what kind of car you drive. It is the singular most unifying, most magnetic and beautiful exercise to feel, experience and to be One with another human being.

Even better, an act of kindness doesn't stop with just the giver and receiver. In a collaborative effort between UC, San Diego and Harvard University, they were actually able to measure beneficial aspects of an act of kindness to three degrees of separation. I would assert, further extending the experience of Oneness beyond just the giver and receiver. When you perform an act of kindness, you have connected irrevocably with the divine aspect of yourself that exists in another human being. Literally, as you help another, you help yourself. You and the other have become one. Additionally, an act of kindness changes everything. It changes the beliefs and actions of the recipient. If you shift the perspective of that one person, it doesn't become a fleeting moment with a boomerang back into separateness. It is something that becomes a part of them. Their autonomic impulse to return to any previous notion about separateness no longer exists whether they are conscious of it or not. As stated in the findings of the UC San Diego/Harvard study: "The effect persists, [James] Fowler said: "You don't go back to being your 'old selfish self.''' The experience of Oneness has now transformed into the knowing of Oneness.

How truly awesome and wonderful is that?!

Mine is Not the Only Way, Nor is Mine a Better Way

Wow, I just stumbled upon the following video. If you're going to watch it, be advised, this woman might just piss you off. Especially if you are a Lightworker, Starseed, Indigo, Rainbow, Crystal, etc. etc. etc. However, I would caution you before you rush to judgment. Don't listen to what she is saying and immediately take umbrage. Try to look beyond what may appear as an insult and listen more closely. Or, simply skip the video and read on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJq24hc3xX8&feature=related

After watching this, and recognizing that there may be some truth to "there are no accidents", I must have been meant to view it. I am beginning to see myself as a spiritual enigma. I embrace much of the ideology of New Age Spiritualism and the path of the Lightworker. However, I have had my frustrations with many people that I have met on the "path", especially of late.

I have stated previously that my family is going through some of the most difficult times we have ever experienced. It is one shit storm after the next and we are reeling, unable to catch our breath. Each time I claim to have unwavering faith, life has demanded: "Prove it!". I will be the first to admit I can be a mess. I can get depressed, frustrated, angry, indignant, upset, befuddled, bewildered, stupefied and I still eat meat. I lay no claims to having all the answers. I lay no claims to being fully enlightened. Therefore, you will rarely, if ever, hear me spouting off instructions on how people should live their lives.

Hence, the source of my frustration. There are many, many, many Lightworkers who are out there behaving as if they are experts. I sometimes wonder if they are auditioning to be the latest self-help guru on Oprah. They offer unsolicited advice on how I "should" be feeling, how I "should" be handling my current life's challenges. They do it with such ferver making lavish claims that their lives are all roses, unicorns and rainbows. Yet, in the next breath, they are crying a river over the fact that they have a great challenge facing them; stunned and wounded at how people can be so mean.

Andrea Roussouw, the woman in the video, therefore, has a point. Some Lightworkers are, in a sense, operating in a delusion. Especially if they fail to see, admit and own that their own lives are not always a fluffy confection. Or, they are so caught up in the illusion of their own ease of living that they have no authentic framework for compassion. If your life has not presented opportunities to experience what it means to be without food, shelter, clean drinking water, dignity, peace or unconditional love, then you shouldn't insult others by telling them that they can simply "think" all their problems away. Success is a poor teacher. You can only know compassion if you have had to walk the walk not in front of, but beside your fellow man. A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

I couldn't agree more. "Beautiful people do not just happen." The people that cause us to gasp with inspiration are those that have overcome the most egregious adversities. We are more greatly moved and learn life's greatest lessons from those whose light continues to beam and burst through what would make mere mortals weep.

It is true, as the woman in the video states, that if you look at the over abundance of sappy, happy people with their lovely clothing, sitting in front of their high speed computers and thousand dollar video cameras with perfectly coiffed and flowing hair, it can be offensive in the face of people with genuine suffering. Of COURSE you can be all love and light if you are not striving to find your next meal. Of COURSE you can say you have all the secrets of the Universe at your beck and channelling when your very life is not being threatened by war or poverty. Ease of life is not the truest light. This is not the walking the walk of a true master. I believe a true master must not simply sit beneath the Bodi Tree to find truth. Truth and teachable moments are in the grief. Authentic compassion is only forged through making it out of the darkness.

Here is a simple request if you belong to any spectrum of the Lightworker family. Can you please, dear Lightworkers, respect the frustration, anger, hurt and pain of those who are in the depths of difficulty? Can you please give them space and allow them their due? Please don't instruct them on how they should feel. Please don't respond to pain by listing a myriad of gimmicky tricks that you believe can change a person's life like magic. Rather, be there for those in pain. Tell them that you will be there in every possible way as a true Lightworker should, listening with compassion, including them in social gatherings so that they don't slip further into isolation, give them hugs, send them angels, prayers and hope for greater blessings. All these actions will allow someone to know that you walk beside them, not in front of them, sharing the burden of their journey. Thank you.

Dare we say More?

I recently posted the following on my Facebook page in response to the blatant disrespect that has been shown to my husband during the interview process and his acceptance of the only job offer he has received after 5 months of searching. He has been hired by a consulting firm who stands to make a good deal of money off of him. The process is such that the consulting firm must have sign-off from the client of any prospective candidate. My husband had SIX different departments interview him and they were all asking that he be assigned to their individual projects. A true testament to his skill set and ability to make an incredibly positive impression upon the client. However, the consulting firm has been shady from the very beginning. They actually asked him to accept that they wouldn't pay him for over a month and the first paycheck would only include the first week's pay. One among many incidents with this consulting firm. Here is what I posted:

I HATE, HATE, HATE THIS COMPANY MY HUSBAND HAS SIGNED WITH!!! NOW THEY HAVE TOLD HIM HE WON'T START UNTIL NEXT MONDAY!!! WHAT THE F*CK!?

I was peaved at a response that I received that stated I should be "grateful" that he has a job. Oh really? Why aren't THEY grateful that they found him and can make a great sum of money off of his hard work? Why is it always assumed that you should gravel for any crumb thrown at you from some over bloated egotistical minion because it's a buyer's market and they can get away with it?

This was what I posted in response to the people who were chastising me for not being grateful:

My husband has worked so hard for the past 5 months to find employment as quickly as possible. I attribute his success to a divine alignment that fits the business needs of the consulting firm, the client and my husband's incredible skill set. This doesn't mean we have to be grateful to a company that has treated him with such horrendous disrespect. I will not express "gratitude" towards a company that tells my husband to book a flight on our own dime for the interview and then fails to inform my him that the date he selected was not conducive for the client (after specifically telling him to pick "any day") thus causing us to foot the bill for additional accommodations and travel expenses. And no, I will not express "gratitude" towards a company that is going to pay him 30% less than what he was making previously AND, we have to pay for all his accommodations for local housing AND pay for him to come home (which is non-standard for most consulting contracts). And NO I will not express gratitude towards a company that can contractually commit IN WRITING to a start date and then, because they failed to submit and follow-up on all the necessary paperwork with the client, has delayed my husband's start date an additional week where he could have been home with his family; not to mention the loss of income. Companies are doing this all over the U.S. because they know they can get away with it and they simply don't give a shit. Asking us to be thankful for this opportunity is like asking someone to be grateful to their abuser for repeated abuse simply because they pay the bills.

Once again, I got a response that was a bit of a finger wag from a person whom I greatly respect for their spiritual convictions.

Is this what we've become? Has the 1% so indoctrinated us to such a degree that we will gravel in subservience accepting all abuses? Furthermore, if you are a spiritual human being, does this mean you have to accept whatever abuse someone throws at you and subjugate your dignity because you are in a position of need? Why? Who decided that to be spiritual and grateful you must exercise subservience and subjugation? This is unacceptable to me. Make no mistakes, we are in great need right now. It may be untoward to look a gift-horse in the mouth; but does that mean that you have to equally be happy about being kicked and bitten by a gift-horse with bad behavior?

This is total HORSE SHIT! (excuse the pun) Why aren't we applauding the person who has worked so hard to find employment after such an extended period of time? Why aren't employers grateful that a decent, hard-working individual with exceptional work ethic has come along? It is appalling to me that people with New Age "it's all love and light" thinking will acquiesce to whatever the Universe bestows upon them and claim that it is "all good". BULL SHIT, BULL SHIT, BULL SHIT! Yes, I'm venting. Someone has disrespected and treated my beloved poorly. I cannot accept that. I will not accept nor will I bless it. I will not stand in gratitude towards any human being and/or corporation that has the audacity to mistreat their employees. Look at Ghandi, Moses and Martin Luther King, did they stand by and say to their people, you should go silently into the night because you should be grateful that you have been given less than what you deserve? No, they did not!

I would say to all Lightworkers, New Age followers and dogmatists that being spiritual does not mean being a door mat. Stop with the judgment against others when they express incense at obvious mistreatment of another human being! Part of being en"light"ened is that you have taken a path of intention and awareness, not passivity and acquiescence. Enlightenment means that you are empowered and no longer a victim. If I have created my own experience, then I also have the responsibility to display to others what it means to be fully in charge of that which I have created.

Just like Oliver Twist, I have asked for more. More dignity, more respect, more humanity and damn proud of it!

Living in the Present Moment

I'm either becoming an expert at living in the present moment or my brain is leaking all my memories. Middle-aged half-heimers?

My saddlebags have gotten so big, I've been thinking of buying them buckles.

Do Affirmations Really Work?

I'll admit it, I drank all the New Age kool aid. I wanted to gorge myself on as much bliss, happiness, self-directed creating, oneness and connection with God until I actually morphed into the laughing big-bellied Buddha. I had so much fun exploring nearly every New York Times top ten books in the New Age/Self-Help category for a good twenty years. It was a glorious time. I had discovered my new religion. The exploration of having a personal one on one relationship with God is what filled my soul and healed so many wounds that had been created through the misaligned dogma of main stream religion. I was in heaven on earth for quite some time. Many of the things I read during that time helped form the positive, compassionate, non-judging, loving and empathetic aspects of who I am today. Trust me when I tell you this is a good thing. If I had followed my parent's example, I would be quite a different person - and not a very nice one. I will never seek to change the special formula that still continues to nourish my soul. I don't want to give anyone a misimpression by the title of this post that I am fully rejecting all that I learned. I still believe what I believe and what has remained true, still remains true.

This post has more to do with the holes that are appearing in some of the latest craze of New Age thinking. I belong to a couple of New Age type Meet-Ups and I frustrate the heck out of the poor group members when I ask the questions I ask. No one seems to be able to reconcile these glaring discrepancies or questions. I've seen the look on some peoples faces like "How could you possibly question this? It was on Oprah for Pete's sake!"

It is only through my current experience that I have been brought to ask these questions. Life itself, as it moves through me, is demanding new and better answers.

I'm going to ruffle some feathers here. I'm going to request some answers around the whole affirmation thing. Two of the greatest teachers of the Path of the Affirmation are Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson. Both super well-respected and bubbly, always happy embodiments of how these tools work for them. However, I have to challenge this whole affirmation thing. At what point does something like repetitive, obsessively positive, carefully crafted, word-smith'd affirmations become incantations of superstition?

When the process is described by these two great gurus, it sounds so obviously magical and there is no question about their effectiveness. However, where the disjoint exists for me is that there are all these cautions thrown in about the do-it-yourself versions (with gasping admonitions towards people in Oprah's audience that try to clumsily craft their own). "Be careful how you word your affirmations so that you don't get what you don't want." "You have to word your affirmations carefully so that you override the subconscious that wants to disbelieve what you are requesting." "You might have to start with an affirmation that you can believe, that won't scream in disbelief as compared to your current circumstances." "Wording of your affirmations must address the root cause, and overrides early childhood programming." The cautions go on and on and on.

So at what point do these affirmations then turn into a form of superstitious nonsense? If they are "affirm"ations (affirm -State as a fact; assert strongly and publicly), then why don't they just work on their own without carefully crafted wording? If these words are so powerful, why don't they just automatically override the subconscious or childhood programming? For something that is supposed to be such an easy to use tool to change your life, it sure has a lot of pitfalls.

And now let's assume that we have worded everything carefully, taken the time to construct wording that will magically override our current reality, childhood programming and subconscious rejection. And we place those affirmations all over the house; on mirrors and refrigerators, on desks and coffee tables, on car visors and in our purse and then we tie a little string on our finger to remember to recite these affirmations repetitively throughout the day. And, much to our dismay, circumstances present themselves that continue to be the opposite of what we want. Or the affirmations simply don't work and we don't materialize our every dream through positive thinking. What happens then when we confront the gurus that their process didn't work?

Well, now we are faced with a new set of conditions. Perhaps we didn't really "release" our negative core beliefs, perhaps we didn't do it consistently enough, we gave up too soon, "WE WEREN'T THANKFUL ENOUGH FOR WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE". Holy crap! This response chaps my ass! So when all these magical elixirs of words and incantations don't work, it's because I wasn't thankful enough for the current crappy position I have in life that was the very thing I wanted to ditch in favor of a new and improved way of life!!! What the hell?!

This is where I begin to believe this whole positive thinking and affirmation thing is full of shit. Because I am indeed grateful for what I have and I acknowledge my blessings and thank God for my amazing husband and children and the dog and for working appliances and no roof leaks. So the come-back response from the New Age crowd? Well, maybe you were thankful, but weren't sincere. (Yes, this has been offered up by one of the Meetup participants as to why my affirmations weren't working) Are you kidding me? What do I have to do hire a skywriter?

I would like to believe that changing your life is as simple as writing something on a piece of paper. But the truth is, it's going to take a whole lot more than some words on a piece of paper to make things better most of the time. It takes grit, and perseverance, and a never-ending determination to keep pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. And you are going to feel other than grateful when bills can't be paid or you're headed for bankruptcy after your husband is laid off for the time since 2008. In the face of real life where you experience problems that bring you to your knees, a piece of paper with some superstitiously crafted phrases incanted with every inhalation and exhalation ad infinitum just doesn't seem to be the answer.

"Are you still surprised when baring your soul to a friend is met with platitudes? If you're looking for compassion, pay a fucking therapist."

Why Don't We Celebrate the Dark Times?

Here's a thought. If we do create our reality, then it should be equally acknowledged that we create both the good and the bad? Then why is it when someone is on the upside of life, we don't caution them in their happiness by saying "Oh, you really shouldn't feel that happy, there are other people out there that have more than you do." No, we don't. We stand beside them, patting them on the back, extolling half-hearted jealous congratulations, raising a glass, sharing a meal, and holding out a hand to receive whatever overspill of happiness they care to share.

THEN, when things go wrong, we attempt to console them by offering platitudes and unwelcome advice: "Oh, you know, you really shouldn't feel that bad, there are others that have far less than you." Perhaps at first, we still stand beside them patting them on the back, now in a gesture of consolation. Then, we don't invite them to dinner for fear that their misfortune is contagious. We try to remove ourselves from the path of overspill of negative emotions and unhappiness they need to share. And then we withdraw.

Tough times are not contagious. Excluding people from social gatherings and events only creates in those who suffer, further feelings of isolation. And where are these "friends" as the lights grow dim? Not standing there holding a flashlight to help shine a path from the darkness. What harm is there to extend an invitation to dinner or to a party, allowing them to know that they still matter?

You're right, the good friends will. The good friends will remain, trying to help as best they can, making an effort to check in with you from time to time, as long as it doesn't take too much time. And we who are left behind licking our wounds, find nary an outstretched hand to help lift us out of the darkness. The only hand being offered the laborious task of applying for public assistance. No more dinner invitations or raising of glasses to celebrate that at least you are still standing, still breathing and still possess the ability to form a coherent sentence without succumbing to hyperventilating sobs.

And after you finally make peace with the fact that these are not your true friends, you come to realize: God Bless the culling of the herd.

And God Bless those who sincerely offer to help. The offer alone is priceless. The offer alone can make you feel as if you are still cared for in someone else's eyes and you are not some neighborhood pariah. Not many of us will accept those offers of help. We fight to hold back the flames of abject humiliation lapping at our door by shielding ourselves with whatever small amount of pride we have left, finally succumbing to hyperventilating sobs once the door is shut.

And dear God, please bless those who step in and create miracles. The ones who don't look for glory. The ones who insist on offering help and make themselves anonymous, or do so with great humility. The ones who are the very perfection of compassion. My family has received from these angels who have heard our cries. You changed the world that day. The world of mine that exists in these four walls.

THAT is how you help someone in tough times. You don't ignore that they exist. You are there to celebrate that their life still matters, that they are still breathing, that they can still put one foot in front of another. You are there to listen to their complaints without judging. These former, glorious Middle Class heroes earned the right to celebrate during the upswing of success and should be equally given the right, and the respect, to allow them to mourn the dissolving of what was once their life. This is not easy for the listener because anyone worth a darn wants to help and offer comfort. By allowing the befallen to be who they need to be in those moments, it respects and honors the downturned path. A good listener does not place one more thing "to do" upon the beaten shoulders of a friend by saying "You shouldn't feel that way, it could be worse." Believe me, I'm at my own personal "worse" right now. Don't make me feel bad for feeling bad.

Dismantled

I think my present experience is creating a calling. I'm thinking of writing a book called Dismantled. It would allow readers to honor and respect losing everything and what it means to lose the "self".

So much of the New Age thinking has lead us to believe that we don't need to suffer, that we can overcome our adversity if we do the right affirmations, or chants or drawing of mandalas or carefully crafted and constructed prayers. The current focus is on creating a constant stream of more joy, more happiness, more living, more love....more, more, more. But this isn't the space where a good number of us are living. Our lives have taken unexpected turns, downturns and have gone careening wildly off the carefully crafted dream paths on our Vision Boards.

If God truly is in the ALL, then we must honor and respect both the profound and the profane. We must forgive ourselves for not being in a manic state of happiness 24/7. Who can maintain that? It would be exhausting! You can only know the essence of happiness by the contrast of the dark. Therefore, should we not celebrate the dark and bless it as well? It is equally giving us the gift of true sight. Without it, how would we ever really know what total, enthralling, boot banging bliss could be?

I am on that path right now. And I feel it is important to share the dark journey. Through all the losses of the life I once knew, I am forgetting who I am. I simply don't know the "me" I used to be anymore. I created a life for me and my family that was the outward, 3D expression of who I was based upon the furniture I selected, the artwork, the rugs, the paint colors, etc. etc. The things in my house which were bought with great joy I now view with disdain. I've reached the point where none of it matters anymore. I've had to sell so many things, have multitudes of yard sales simply to stay afloat that the effort it takes to sell one more thing makes me want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the burden. I feel ready to shed it all, walk away and be done with it. If this is what it feels like to be spiritually bankrupt, then I'm there. I keep envisioning myself shedding off in one big layer all the fat and sadness that my body holds at present, slipping it off, leaving it behind and walking away. Life has twisted my arm so far behind my back, the only way to stop "crying Uncle" is to let the arm break.

Psychologically, this phenomenon could be viewed as a fascinating glimpse into what happens when you have simply "come undone". Seeing how someone so beaten down with life begins to look at her surroundings as if she is a stranger in her own home. Every chair, every table and every picture frame that remains just further reminds her of everything that went wrong. I will, dear reader, provide those details in another post. For today, I simply had to make this statement: "I'm beginning to forget who I am. The grief of loss, the burden of trying to stay afloat for so long has changed who I am so that now I am becoming......dismantled."

The Calling

It is time. The circumstances of my life have corralled me into a corner and requested my surrender. I have no more pride to prevent me from spilling the truth onto this page for all to read. I have no idea what I was trying to protect by sharing the truth. These ramblings will be cathartic explosions of what perplexes me, enthralls me, enrages me, inspires me and teaches me in all my spiritual explorations. In my current state, it seems so silly to feel as though the judgment of others who may stumble upon this blog would think that I have not thought myself. More to come......